celestial project

hari ni aku gak mau taip dlm bahasa inggris karena aku dah lama pengen coba taip dlm bahasa indo jadi kalo lo gak paham apa yg gw ngomong di sini, jangan salahin gw..

akhir2 ni, gw sering hadapi banyak masalah yg berkaitan dgn gawean…gawean yg gw suka, gw gak dapat…gawean yg gw gak suka, gw pasti dapat…kenapa sih????? gawean yg gw hampir dapat ni mempunyai penyelia yg sombong dan garang banget….emank susah nak bayangin bergawe sm orang segini tapi dukacitanya, bonyok gw asyik suruhin gw menerima gawean ni…gmn donk? gw tw kalo gw bergawe di sana, gw pasti akan kehilangan motivasi utk bergawe…

satu perkara lagi adalah sekali-sekala gw gak bisa tahan teman gw karena dia mokal banget dan gak ngomong banyak…makanya gw sering bertanya2 apa sedang dipikiran dlm otaknya…tapi apa yg gw pasti adalah dia piktor…cuma tw ngborol yg ngeres2 gak henti2…ceh cowok2 di seluruh dunia adalah sama…

i miss my uni frens..

i miss my bandung frens..

i miss my training days..

i miss my managers n ex-colleagues..

yet there’s nothing i can do to forget any one of em….d more i try to forget em, d more often they pop into my head which explains my sleepless nights…it became so bad dat i had to rely on alcohol to fall asleep without waking in d middle of d nite, suppressing my need to cry out loud…i never imagined myself to say dis this but i feel really lonely rite now…

i just wanna take d first flight to visit em at d crack of dawn tomolo…it’s only wid em dat i feel at home…nothing is right when they are not around anymore…wid so much yearning to see em, i’d rather die than live right now……

P.S: i cant seem to wear d necklace u gave me as a parting gift anymore..each time i wear it, i feel there’s a chain of thorns hung around my neck dat slowly finds its way to my heart n piercing it from every direction…d excruciating pain is simply indescribable..

EDIT:

not having a good sleep night had taken its toll on me today…things started to go downhill but ended wid a sweet note towards d end of d day ^_^ god, i thank u for taking pity on me…it means so much to me to hear from dat person again…

it’s 8.44am n i seldom wake up dis early unless i have to mug for an exam on dat day…so wat prompted me to jump out of my bed at dis hour? it was GUILT, my fren…

like every other story, there must be a guy involved in it n d guy in my case is d last person dat i’d imagine rendering me feeling dis guilty..he was one of those foreign trainees dat i got to know during my training…initially, he din dare to talk much wid me when i attempted to break d ice wid him…dun get me wrong, i was trying to be friendly wid all d trainees, leaving no one out…back to d point…sensing dat he wasnt keen on making frens wid me, i decided to stop talking to him altogether..din peep a word even when we hung out wid our frens together…despite dat, i found out (from our best fren) dat he is a very nice guy…he is a gentleman n he doesn’t mind u sharing d same probs wid him over n over again..

days n months passed like dat for us n only recently, i dunno wat kinda alcohol dat prompted him to suddenly initiate a conversation wid me on MSN…not wanting to be rude, i just went on n chatted wid him…from dat day onwards, he’d be d first one to say ”hi” to me whenever i go online n our conversations range from throwing insults at each other to just plainly talking crap…nothing serious. nothing heavy…

btw, his training ends today n he’ll be going bsck to his country next wed so when i asked him whether  he’d be having d last dinner wid our best fren…he said he’d rather have dat dinner wid me n it must be a candle light one !!! i knew he was joking on d spot coz we aren’t dat close…but he said he was serious abt it…and then all of a sudden, he blurted ” btw, my crush has agreed to be my gf 5 hours ago”…i was like ” wth????? u got yrself a gf 5 hours ago yet u’re here asking me to have a candlelit dinner wid u? r u sick or something?”…it was only then did his ”clean” image broke into a million pieces before my eyes…he told me dat flirting is a bad habit he find it hard to break…

ever since he showed me his true colours, he’d flirt wid me subtlely n i’d reciprocate d same way too (for d fun of it)…at dis rate, i’m damn scared he’d push d envelope even further, cheating on his gf emotionally even more…true, wid no physical involvement, it’s not considered cheating but have u ever heard of dis phrase? it doesnt matter whether it’s a white cat or a black cat, it’s still a cat dat catches mouse…in short, whatever form of cheating it is, it’s still considered cheaing…

so now one part of me tells me to stop reciprocating his flirty advances n another part of me tells me to go on wid it cuz he’s d one who initiated dis whole thing…i was merely participating in it for d thrill of it…no feelings r involved (at least on my part)…from my personal experience, whatever problem dat plagues me will disappear on its own over time so i will not frustrate myself over dis dilemma for d time being unless things start to get out of hand…

before i end this post, do know dat i do pity his gf for having a supposedly ”clean” guy as her bf n i will never ever give in to temptations by being d 3rd party in this relationship…being d ”mistress” SUCKS…’nuff said…

ah~ it feels sooooooo good to get this whole thing off my chest…

after serving me faithfully for d past 3 years, the inevitable has come…my phone is on d verge of dying…thinking back, if i din drop it so many times, it would have accompanied me for as long as i live…in d past, there were times when i had to convince myself to put aside my loyalty n buy myself a new phone but alas, i didnt…i couldnt…i was too loyal to my old phone as it was to me…frankly, i hate using new phones coz their keypads r not as soft as my old phone…for a person who smses a lot like me, it’s gonna hurt real bad if i punch out d words wid d stone-hard keypad…so i tried stalling each day n today i couldnt stall anymore…i’m forced to buy a new phone coz i’m expecting important phone calls right now…i cant afford to take anymore chances wid my old phone…this seperation is just too painful for me to bear T.T letting it go is d hardest thing i’ll ever have to do…to turn around n walk away, pretending i dun need it anymore………………..

i gotta be honest wid u, not blogging for about 3 months made it feel weird to blog again…i dunno wat i’m supposed to mention nor where to start…well i’ll just start by saying happy new year to whoever dat is still reading my dying blog…seriously at times i wish i could plug out d life support system dat’s attached to it..i’ve lost d will to blog but at d same time i dun wanna put it to sleep coz it has been staying by my side faithfully for the past 4 years, absorbing my ups n downs…i admit dat i didn’t blog much in 2009 owing to d fact dat there was too much of drama dat i had to deal wid n it din even stop on new yr’s eve !!! wat a year…

hence, my wish for 2010 is to have less drama in my life only to have my fren telling me things will go quite d opposite for me, according to her trustworthy horoscope book T.T i just wanna focus on one thing n forget abt d other temporary high…i dun wanna get embroiled into another prob caused by my unwillingness to listen to my head …i’m gonna give it my all to achieve my goal this yr…n i will always stick by this quote - nothing ventured, nothing gained…

P.S: i’m soooooo excited dat world cup is this yr !!!! hahaha i can’t wait to place my bets on my fav teams n make a fortune out of it vive le world cup ~

i am freaking sick n tired of talking to guys already…it’s like the more i talk to em, the more they get on my nerves..i’ll tell ya why…normally, they belong to 1 of these 2 categories :

1) The Egoist/Narcissist

- these guys just love talking about themselves throughout the conversations…they talk about THEIR achievements, THEIR goals, THEIR cars, THEIR gadgets, THEIR whatsoever, without even making the effort to get to know the other party whom they’re having a conversation with…yes, they don’t care about your day, your hobbies and your dreams as long as they have a listener, listening to them glorifying themselves..

2) The Interviewee

- sometimes i wonder if these guys are armed with any communication skills at all coz they are the type who will just answer d question dat u posed to em n nothing more, just like in an interview…to illustrate my point, here’s an example:

gal: so how was your day?

guy: it was ok

gal: that’s good…and what did u think abt the exam dat we sat for yesterday?

guy: it was tough but i think i could pass it

gal:……………………………

as u can see, this stupid guy didn’t give a shit about the gal’s day nor her performance during the exam…he just answered d questions as they were, leaving the poor gal speechless…sometimes, she’ll have to be d one keeping the conversation going which can get very tiring (emotionally)..come on la guys, do u expect the gal to say ” how was yr day? n please ask abt my day too”

if i were to deduce something from the behaviour of these 2 types of guy, i would say that they are not interested in talking with that girl but why so? could it be she talks too fast or she is too ugly to have a conversation wid? it doesnt take a genius to know dat the latter is d real answer…why? coz by nature, guys are visual creatures…if the gal is not hot, y would he wanna waste his time talking to her? so it’s best to keep d conversation brief, forcing her to end d conversation immediately..if dat’s not d real reason, then is he lacking in communication skills?

sadly, 90% of my guy frens belong to one of those categories n this frustrates me a lot bcoz on one hand, they complain to me dat it’s hard for em to find a gf, on another hand, they act like they dun care about you at all…you guys really think gals like listening to u yakking about yourself? no, we want someone to show some interest in us too by asking us questions related to US..and most importantly, we want u to LISTEN to us when we’re talking…nothing annoys a gal more than having a guy interrupting her while she’s talking…

having guy frens like this, i think it’s best i spend more time talking to my gal frens instead..unlike those selfish, self-centered motherf*ckers, at least my gal frens show some concern towards me even if i do not look my best on dat particular day…come to think of it, i’ve wasted a hell lot of time to keep d conversation going for those motherf*ckers, so as of today, i refuse to talk any guys infinitely………i can do dat because i can…..

dunno why the moment i handed in my training report yesterday, a plethora of problems came washing me away like a massive wave…my probs are the following:

1) in june, i asked me fren to help me give out 20 sets of questionnaire to his frens n he agreed to do so but at a few days before d deadline i set for him, i found out dat so far he only got 2 ppl to fill it up for me n dat he was enjoying himself wid his gf in genting highlands…wtf? he could have told me sooner if he couldnt get at least 10 respondents for me then i would have ample time to find other respondents…i really wanted to clobber him to death, man…however, he didnt know how angry i was at dat time n left it like dat…

4 months later (which was yesterday), i suddenly received an sms from him, asking me how i was doing n all…still pissed at him, i gave him brusque replies, thinking he’d get d message but he din so i had to be blunt wid him n poured my heart to him…in d end, all he could say was ” I’m sorry yadda yadda yadda it was my farking fault yadda yadda yadda…”  fed up of his shyt, i hardened my heart n told him we’re through…shocked, he kept telling me not to break up d frenship wid him n dat i should consider giving our frenship another go…honestly, i did give it a long thought n dats when i remembered we talked less than 10 times this year because he was always busy wid his work n he was never there for me when i needed him for advice for comfort…as a result, i learnt how to live my life without him n dat’s the reason y i dun see d need of having him back as a fren in my life…wat i’m afraid is after i forgive him, he’d disappear into thin air again…what should i do?

2) this is a love-related matter…this happened when i was still undergoing my training in d hotel…one day, my colleague took me to d ballroom to see the set-up…as i checking out my surroundings, i saw a new trainee there n he saw me too but he couldnt stop staring at me which left me a bit confused/curious…later on, i found out from my colleague dat he kept staring at me coz he liked my beautiful smile…honestly, i did have some feelings for him his big bright eyes are so mesmerizing but unfortunately, he already has a gf back in indonesia…that’s why i never made a move on him n i have to tell myself to treat him as a fren whenever i talk to him…however, wat my best fren told me this morning changed d entire game…she told me dat this guy is not having a serious relationshp wid his gf which means it’s perfectly ok for me to be d third party…i cant really say ‘no’ to this because this is d exact relationship i’m looking for - a short-term one (he has to go back to indo once he finshes his training)…but at d same time, i’m scared dat i wont be able to handle d separation when d time comes…hmm, i hope god will give me some guidance in this matter…

hello my dearest blog, i’m back from the land of the dead or or was it undead? it doesnt matter anymore…i’m just happy that i came back alive with no missing limbs and with a sane mind…for the past 3 months, i’ve been working my ass off in this hotel with great ppl who eventually became my best frens n i’m trully grateful for that…

many things happened during my internship but there was one incident that will engrave in my memory till d end of time…when i was doing my internship at a japanese restaurant, i poured so much white wine into my guest’s glass dat his other frens were left with very little wine to drink…as a result, i got scolded terribly by my assistant manager…at dat moment, i only wished to rush back to my locker, changed my uniform n go home to cry my eyes out but alas, my tears werent that patient…they rolled down my cheeks while i was on my way to d locker room…sigh…

anyway during my internship, i always felt the urge to compare myself with the trainess who had undergone their training there longer than i did n i was bloody stupid for doing such a comparison coz needless to say, they were better than me by far…knowing that i was much more inefficient than them, i was constantly haunted by d thought that my superiors would deem me as d lousiest trainee in their restaurant but all dat changed on my last day in dat restaurant..

you see, my manager has this habit of treating trainees whom she deems deserve to have a free dinner in dat restaurant on his/her last day…anyone who got that kinda privilege should feel honoured because he/she has been considered a hardworking trainee who truly deserves a free dinner there…just when i was convinced that i’ll never be one of those lucky trainees, my manager suddenly pulled me aside, asking me what i wanted to eat…i was sOOOoooOOOoo shocked that i didnt know wat i wanted to eat so i told her dat it’s ok n i din wanna eat anything..,however, at her insistence, i finally has 2 soft shell crab sushi, 2 rawn tempura and 1 bowl of udon to go with em…having dinner with her in a huge ass tatami room was so overwhelming that my mind went blank for a few minutes…it’s so sad that she’ll be retiring on my birthday…i’m sure a lot of trainees will miss out on having such a nice superior like her..

now on the bleak side of this internship, as a gal, being sexually harassed by her horny colleagues is inevitable…there was a baby-faced cook in the restaurant who gave me his phone number willingly…looking like a harmless guy, he didnt seem to have any hidden agenda so i just accepted his number without thinking twice…after exchanging a few smses, i was shocked to discover that he only wanted to have a 1 night stand wid me…he kept on pestering me to go to his house n if i said no, he’d taunt me by saying i’m a coward…coward then coward la…i’m not gonna do it wid some fat ugly gorila like him..

speaking of gorila, the real gorila is his best fren…he tackled me wherever i went…everywhere i turned, i’d see his vomit-inducing face…things got so bad that at one point, when he asked me why i didnt like him, i shouted ” BECAUSE YOU’RE SO DAMN UGLY” right in front of his frens..i purposely humiliated him that way so dat he’d stop harassing me…i know wat i did was wrong but did i have a choice? thank god he stopped talking to me after dat..

my action only made me regret when i went back to this japanese restaurant to have buffet brunch wid my frens…he was manning the tempura stall n being a big fan, it was a torture for me being unable to get d tempura myself…i had to rely on my frens to get d tempura for me T.T haih…i felt like a disabled person..

moving on to the second department which was banquet sales department, i considered myself very lucky to have such a friendly boss who unfortunately, always got bullied by d female staff coz he was d only male staff there…on my 2nd day there, i remember he “tricked” me to go for a ride in his car…barely knowing this fella, i was so damn scared he’d take me to a secluded area to rape me or something…instead, he took me to a nice malay restaurant n told me to order whatever i wanted from d menu…not wanting to wate his money, i eventually ordered 1bowl of ice-cream n 1 honeydew juice…while having our meals, we chatted a lot things, from work to love…hahahaha…told u dat he’s cool…

everything went well until he got back from his raya holidays…he looked kinda moody n i could see he was trying his best to put on a calm face…after much interrogation from me, he finally spilt his guts out…turned out dat his gf of 9 years suddenly wanted to settle down but she refused to convert to islam for him…so madly in love wid her, he gave her d option to get married wid him in UK only to have this proposal slammed down by her, saying that she wants to be legally married wid him in msia…d worst part is she is giving him d silent treatment now even though he didnt do anything wrong…with my help, my boss sent a heartfelt sms to her, begging her to come back to him but he got zero replies from her…sigh, i really do hope they could work things out together because it’s such a waste to throw a 9-yr relationship down d drain just like dat..

on an unrelated matter, i went to see a fortune teller at The Curve last saturday..at furst sight, he looked like clueless man who had a high chance of getting his predictions wrong..i was proven otherwise when he told me that i dun like to forgive n forget, i get jealous easily, i worry too much, i like to rely on my parents, i’m close to my bro and dat i’m romantic…BINGO ! he got all dat right ! he even advised to stop worrying so much coz he could foresee dat i’d worry a lot about my house n car in future…i was also advised to try working in the management part in a company coz dat’s my forte..i tell u, dis guy is damn good as previously i was in a dilemma whereby i couldnt decide whether i should work in operation or management n he just solved my problem without even needing me to tell him my problem in d first place…one last surprise he sprang at me was dat i was gonna get married around 30…up till now, i can’t accept this prediction coz i know damn well dat i’d rather focus on my career than having myself enslaved to something called love n worse, getting myself tied down to it by getting married to some guy…speaking of which, i’d like to see who is dat fella who will manage to persuade me to settle down wid him…i bet he’s an experienced smooth talker in this case…seriously, i’m so curious to know who dat bloody fella is…anyway, fingers crossed dat this prediction/curse won’t come true…i have too many dreams to chase to settle down…

have u ever come to a point where u just DON’T wanna listen to what others remarked about you anymore? like how you should think or act? they keep thinking they are right and we should listen to them , conforming to the social norms set by the society…well listen here, bastards, i’m going thru an extremely rebellious stage rite now…i dun wanna be one of those cookie cutters..i wanna be myself !! i’m tired of listening to you n hence dun blame me from distancing myself from you…if u wanna retort, u have to kiss my ass first !

Ok so i havent  been updating my blog for a very long time no thanks to my assignments again…seriously, after typing out so many reports, d last thing i wanted to do was to blog which involved more typing…in addition to dat, i was caught in a dilemma whereby i din know whether i should blog more abt my life or abt wat people really wanted to know…also, i was bitten by the bug of procrastination…everything i wanted to blog something, i’d tell myself dat mybe i could blog abt it later which dragged on to d next day n d day after next…

anyway i’ve cleared up all d backlog of my assignments so now i’m enjoying my ”me” time for as long as i want…i started off with watching some good ‘ol X-Men cartoons…yeah those cartoons dat u watched back when u thought dat imitating Power Rangers was d coolest activity ever…so why d sudden urge to watch those cartoons again? well it was d origins of the wolverine movie dat induced me to watch em…i just felt like not remembering anything abt d X-Men was like a missing puzzle in my life…so yeah there are 5 seasons for me to watch n i’ve covered abt 3 seasons so far…i even went as far as asking my fren to send me d X-Men movies 1 & 2…finished watching both today haha…it’s such a shame dat gambit din appear in those 2 movies…his coolness should have earned him a place there…i totally love his cajun accent in d cartoons haha..

dats all i guess..ciao…